I'd be a terrible spy.
I hate feeling like a fraud, like my life is a lie.
Why do I feel this way?
1. "I am a writer."
I make this statement, to myself and to others, and yet there are many days I fail to write anything beyond a Facebook status. Other days I write paid articles, but even those days fail to satisfy that internal "I am a writer" definition.
2. "I am a Christian."
This one mostly strikes on Sundays. Because I'm not currently attending, or a member in good standing of, a local church. But does not showing up at the building and dropping my check in the bucket make me a fraud? Is my Christianity, my relationship with Christ Jesus my Lord, limited to me making an appearance at a particular locale? Really? That seems wrong. In fact, I know it's wrong. But convincing my brainwashed brain that it's wrong... challenging.
3. "I am a wife."
I've been battling with ovarian cysts (endometrial or hemhorragic, not sure which) since January. According to non-traditional medicine, said cysts are caused by "unresolved or unexpressed anger." Really? You think I have unresolved anger issues? OH. MY. WORD. Let's just say this... I don't have enough clothes that still fit to let the monster out. You've seen the Hulk, right? My monster? She's the Hulk on estrogen. We aren't letting her out, we're just going to drug her into submission, whatever it takes. Anyway, the whole cyst/pain/fear cycle has thrown my wifely role into a tizzy. So I wear the ring, hold the name, and feel quite completely like a total wife fraud, and it sucks.
4. "I am a mother."
Sure. I gave birth to these people. But somewhere along the way my idea of parenting equals children doing what you want them to do fell by the wayside. (Er, age 2?) Now I find myself playing defensive linebacker FOR my children. A lot. Which leads to spending a lot of time thinking about Moses whining to God about all the Hebrews, and Elizabeth explaining to her friends and family why her son was eating bugs and wearing weird clothes and living in the desert. Yeah. Liz, I SO get it. Can we have coffee some day in heaven?
Anyone else have trouble living up to the imaginary expectations you built in your head?
Monday, May 6, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
A Video Game (30 Day Drawing Challenge)
I'm going old-school.
This was my most favorite video game of all time.
Our other participants:
This was my most favorite video game of all time.
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Thursday, April 25, 2013
The Boogeyman {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
A bogeyman (also spelled bogieman, boogeyman or boogieman) is an amorphous imaginary being used by adults to terrorize children into submissive behaviour. The monster has no specific appearance, and conceptions about it can vary drastically from household to household within the same community; in many cases, he has no set appearance in the mind of an adult or child, but is simply a non-specific embodiment of terror. Parents may tell their children that if they misbehave, the bogeyman will get them. Bogeymen may target a specific mischief — for instance, a bogeyman that punishes children who suck their thumbs — or general misbehavior, depending on what purpose needs serving. In some cases, the bogeyman is a nickname for the devil.Seriously? Terrorizing children into behaving? That's abuse, IMO.
My folks didn't use fear to get me to mind (theirs was a more complex cocktail of reward, guilt and obligation), but I had fear issues anyway. My particular boogeyman appeared in recurring dreams in the form of a Boris Karloff-style Dracula. I refused to draw him because to this day I have a niggling little concern that the nightmare will return.
Yes, my closet bogeyman looks kind of like a really grouchy fish, which may have something to do with our planned trip to the big aquarium in Denver to celebrate g-baby's 2nd birthday. I have fish on the brain.
Anyway... when it comes to boogeymen, I tend to think of the following song. I didn't know it until I was an adult with children of my own, but it carried me through a number of ugly, scary, stressful situations. It still comes to mind some mornings after my hubby leaves for work in the wee hours and I have to fall back to sleep till dawn.
Enjoy.
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
A Toy {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
I'm posting this particular toy not because I had one and loved it, but because I DIDN'T have one and loved the ones my friends had.
And guess what?
Squee!!! I'm off to the App Store to relive my childhood!
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Me as the Opposite Sex {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
Another stumper.
Physically, easy. All I'd have to do is upload a picture of my third kiddo (the only one out of FOUR who looks like me... guess who had the dominant genes in our family?).
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually? That's an entirely different animal.
As an only child, I didn't have a lot of gender pressure growing up. If anything, I disappointed my mother by leaning toward the frilly and girly and feminine all by myself. I wanted dresses and ruffles and makeup... she wanted jeans and boots and cowboy hats.
What if I'd been born a boy?
I would have been a nerd. I know it. With glasses and weird clothes and my nose in a book. Hey, come to think of it, I was pretty much like that as a girl.
And as an adult? If I were a man?
The first thing that comes to mind is what life would be like without PMS. (Heavenly!)
The second thing is that I wouldn't have that mom-connect with my four kids. Some days that's a good thing, and some days I wish I could cauterize those invisible ties. (Not worth the trade, as painful as it can be.)
The third thing? I would still feel like a fraud and a failure... one who has failed to live up to potential.
Interesting. When it comes right down to it, I'd still "feel" the same way if I were a guy.
Our other participants:
Physically, easy. All I'd have to do is upload a picture of my third kiddo (the only one out of FOUR who looks like me... guess who had the dominant genes in our family?).
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually? That's an entirely different animal.
As an only child, I didn't have a lot of gender pressure growing up. If anything, I disappointed my mother by leaning toward the frilly and girly and feminine all by myself. I wanted dresses and ruffles and makeup... she wanted jeans and boots and cowboy hats.
What if I'd been born a boy?
I would have been a nerd. I know it. With glasses and weird clothes and my nose in a book. Hey, come to think of it, I was pretty much like that as a girl.
And as an adult? If I were a man?
The first thing that comes to mind is what life would be like without PMS. (Heavenly!)
The second thing is that I wouldn't have that mom-connect with my four kids. Some days that's a good thing, and some days I wish I could cauterize those invisible ties. (Not worth the trade, as painful as it can be.)
The third thing? I would still feel like a fraud and a failure... one who has failed to live up to potential.
Interesting. When it comes right down to it, I'd still "feel" the same way if I were a guy.
 |
| Wow. I just drew a picture of my dad 25 years ago. |
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
First VHS/DVD {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
While watching a documentary about the '80s recently, hubby and I recalled the days when you went to the video store and brought home a suitcase-sized VCR carrier with your rented VHS tapes.
VCR = Video Cassette Recorder, right? But what does VHS mean? The abbreviation, which is now really an acronym, stands for Video Home System. For the old among us (as I was recently reminded by my Outer Space post), DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. Who knew? You can learn something new every day, no matter how antiquated you are.
I don't really remember the first VHS tape I actually owned. I remember renting Friday the 13th (the original, which was the only one, then) and watching it with one of my best friends, late on a weekend afternoon. It was approaching dusk when the movie credits started to roll and we breathed a sigh of relief. And then Jason leaped out of the lake... and my parent jumped up in the window, shrieking like banshees. We didn't sleep that night.
While I don't remember buying movies, I do remember ecstatically setting the VCR to record General Hospital (which I normally missed while I was at school); and episodes of Miami Vice and Dynasty to watch again and again, and Friday Night Videos on NBC (because we lived too far from town to have cable and Friday Night Videos were the only music videos I had access to). I was, at the time, the only person in my household who knew how to set the VCR. No joke.
One of the first movies I DO remember owning is Footloose (again, the original). Which feed did YOU want to be in that opening montage?
Our other participants:
VCR = Video Cassette Recorder, right? But what does VHS mean? The abbreviation, which is now really an acronym, stands for Video Home System. For the old among us (as I was recently reminded by my Outer Space post), DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc. Who knew? You can learn something new every day, no matter how antiquated you are.
I don't really remember the first VHS tape I actually owned. I remember renting Friday the 13th (the original, which was the only one, then) and watching it with one of my best friends, late on a weekend afternoon. It was approaching dusk when the movie credits started to roll and we breathed a sigh of relief. And then Jason leaped out of the lake... and my parent jumped up in the window, shrieking like banshees. We didn't sleep that night.
While I don't remember buying movies, I do remember ecstatically setting the VCR to record General Hospital (which I normally missed while I was at school); and episodes of Miami Vice and Dynasty to watch again and again, and Friday Night Videos on NBC (because we lived too far from town to have cable and Friday Night Videos were the only music videos I had access to). I was, at the time, the only person in my household who knew how to set the VCR. No joke.
One of the first movies I DO remember owning is Footloose (again, the original). Which feed did YOU want to be in that opening montage?
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Useless superpower {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
OK, so I've fallen behind again. This time it's because this particular challenge stumped me. How can a superpower, by definition, be useless? Superpowers can be constructive or destructive, in my opinion, but not useless. And then I started to think about Jesus (the original superhero).
Multiplying food (loaves and fishes) is a positive, and very useful superpower, so that doesn't count.
Turning water into wine is a very useful, and positive superpower, in my opinion. I mean, who doesn't prefer wine to water? (Oh, hush.)
Healing, of course, is a wonderfully positive superpower and one that is close to my heart. I hate sickness and disease, and the destruction they wreak on bodies, lives, and families.
And then I thought about walking on water...
There are lots of things to consider in this story, without even talking about Peter and his faith and stepping out of the boat and looking at the circumstances instead of looking at Jesus and...
First, the disciples were believers in the supernatural realm... they acknowledged the existence, the possibility, of ghosts. Just a thought.
Second, Jesus wasn't into staid, traditional stuff. He stayed up all night (much like my college-age sons) and then decided it would be entertaining and/or educational to sneak up on the disciples, who had been out on the sea of Galilee all night in the midst of a storm. Jesus as a practical joker? Maybe. There's that story about him walking through the locked door to confront Thomas, too, you know. Honestly, I can't imagine my Jesus without a really well-entrenched sense of humor.
OK, so walking on the water requires superhuman power, right? Useless superpower? Yeah, unless you're rescuing people or something, but Jesus wasn't rescuing the disciples. They were straining against a storm, but they didn't need a rescue.
It's a matter of debate. Why DID Jesus go strolling out there in the middle of a storm in the wee hours of the morning? Just to show off? (Doesn't fit the character of God.) Just to prove and/or test the faith of the disciples? (He was much too nice in the face of their cowardice and fear if it was a test.)
How about this one... what if He took off walking across the Sea of Galilee in the midst of a squall just because it was FUN. Like supernatural body surfing, dude. Fun? God doing something for FUN? Is it possible? I think so, even though I am the WORST at doing anything "just for fun." In my heart, I know it's something I have to learn to value, like rest.
So is walking on water a useless superpower? Maybe. Or maybe we need to learn the value of fun. Just a thought, peeps, just a thought.
Our other participants:
Multiplying food (loaves and fishes) is a positive, and very useful superpower, so that doesn't count.
Turning water into wine is a very useful, and positive superpower, in my opinion. I mean, who doesn't prefer wine to water? (Oh, hush.)
Healing, of course, is a wonderfully positive superpower and one that is close to my heart. I hate sickness and disease, and the destruction they wreak on bodies, lives, and families.
And then I thought about walking on water...
 |
| Don't look at the feet. Seriously. Feet are my failure. |
24 Meanwhile, the boat was far out to sea when the wind came up against them and they were battered by the waves. 25 At about four o'clock in the morning, Jesus came toward them walking on the water. 26 They were scared out of their wits. "A ghost!" they said, crying out in terror.
(from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.)
There are lots of things to consider in this story, without even talking about Peter and his faith and stepping out of the boat and looking at the circumstances instead of looking at Jesus and...
First, the disciples were believers in the supernatural realm... they acknowledged the existence, the possibility, of ghosts. Just a thought.
Second, Jesus wasn't into staid, traditional stuff. He stayed up all night (much like my college-age sons) and then decided it would be entertaining and/or educational to sneak up on the disciples, who had been out on the sea of Galilee all night in the midst of a storm. Jesus as a practical joker? Maybe. There's that story about him walking through the locked door to confront Thomas, too, you know. Honestly, I can't imagine my Jesus without a really well-entrenched sense of humor.
OK, so walking on the water requires superhuman power, right? Useless superpower? Yeah, unless you're rescuing people or something, but Jesus wasn't rescuing the disciples. They were straining against a storm, but they didn't need a rescue.
It's a matter of debate. Why DID Jesus go strolling out there in the middle of a storm in the wee hours of the morning? Just to show off? (Doesn't fit the character of God.) Just to prove and/or test the faith of the disciples? (He was much too nice in the face of their cowardice and fear if it was a test.)
How about this one... what if He took off walking across the Sea of Galilee in the midst of a squall just because it was FUN. Like supernatural body surfing, dude. Fun? God doing something for FUN? Is it possible? I think so, even though I am the WORST at doing anything "just for fun." In my heart, I know it's something I have to learn to value, like rest.
So is walking on water a useless superpower? Maybe. Or maybe we need to learn the value of fun. Just a thought, peeps, just a thought.
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Faux Pas {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
All of my extravert friends and family members are going to whine and wail about this one.
A faux pas (French for "false step") is a kind of social blunder, something rude or inconsiderate, probably done unintentionally out of ignorance or thoughtlessness.
The classic example of a faux pas is the person who drinks the water out of the finger bowl at the fancy restaurant and wonders why the soup is so bland. Of course, that example falls to the floor with a solid THUD these days, because who has ever actually eaten a meal where you were presented with a finger bowl at the table? In modern American culture the equivalent would be eating the moist towelette that (used to) come with your meal at Kentucky Fried Chicken, which would be less of a faux pas and more a cry for help.
ANYWAY. If you've ever asked a bloated lady when her baby is due, you've committed a faux pas.
My personal pet peeve of faux pas is the uninvited, unexpected, unannounced visitor/guest. Particularly total strangers, overpriced vacuum cleaner salesmen, and the religious sort. I dislike waking up in the morning to houseguests I've never seen, never met, and don't recognize. It messes with my internal compass, makes me feel all out-of-sorts, and when they leave, I want to scrub the house with bleach (shades of Nero Wolfe, here. Oh wow! There's another of my Archie crushes! Archie Goodwin!)
My husband used to be the one who brought random people home.
He called it "ministry." I called it "torture."
We eventually came to an agreement... he would ask, or at least warn me, before he brought random strangers home, and he wouldn't bring them home to keep them.
Now my boys are the ones who are bringing people home, and at all hours of the day and night. Ergh. Do I really have to explain this all AGAIN??? Obviously I do.
I used to fall prey to the "you should just be more hospitable" thing, or the "if you loved them like God does..." Yeah, well, sue me. If God wanted me to be more hospitable He would have installed that program instead of the introverted one.
Meanwhile, all you extraverts who show up unannounced, or bring people home uninvited, and all you weird people who randomly couch surf through the homes of total strangers, cop a clue... showing up unexpected, uninvited, and unannounced is rude, with a capital "R."
(Yes, I'm a wee bit perturbed today, by the commission of this very faux pas... can you tell?)
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Favorite Holiday {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
Why not Christmas? Or Halloween? Or Thanksgiving? Or Easter?
Because New Year's Eve means new beginnings, a fresh start, a blank page, a new chapter...
I'm always up for a new day, which is why I'm glad I don't have to limit myself to an annual restart. God's mercies are new every morning.
It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.
They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness.
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
Outer space {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
Space. The final frontier...
Our other participants:
(cue weird ooooweeeee music)
Although I grew up watching Star Trek and Doctor Who and Star Wars, and ET and Close Encounters and Alien had a huge influence on my generation, I've never spent much time thinking about outer space (which is obvious from the drawing above), except that I wouldn't want to be stranded out there...
That scene in the Star Trek movie (can't remember which one) where Spock hurtles out into the vast universe gave me the creeps.
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
First Crush {30 Day Drawing Challenge}
Ugh. A flurry of stressful events this week has left me four days behind in the drawing challenge. But at least I've had time to think about what I wanted to post...
Day 17 was "first crush."
It's a little-known fact that I was once a comic book junkie.
From the time I was about six until I was old enough to stay home alone, my parents, who had a newspaper delivery motor route, rolled me out of bed every day at 2 a.m., tucked me into the front floorboard of the truck in a sleeping bag with a pillow, and set off to deliver the papers. Mind you, this was LONG before carseats and seatbelts were mandatory.
I slept through most of it, except for one particular stop at the gas station. The lights always woke me up. The night clerk, who always visited with my parents when they came in, noticed the bleary-eyed kid in the car one day, disappeared into the building, and returned with a stack of comic books.
Among the Spiderman and Superman and other classics was a selection of Archie Andrews comics. Apparently this is where nature/nurture comes in... I gravitated toward them, as opposed to the superhero stories. I loved Archie and Betty and Veronica and Reggie and Jughead. The Riverdale saga may have been my introduction to romance novels, comic book style.
This is also why my dog... the first dog I ever chose for myself, on purpose, is named Archie.
Our other participants:
Day 17 was "first crush."
It's a little-known fact that I was once a comic book junkie.
From the time I was about six until I was old enough to stay home alone, my parents, who had a newspaper delivery motor route, rolled me out of bed every day at 2 a.m., tucked me into the front floorboard of the truck in a sleeping bag with a pillow, and set off to deliver the papers. Mind you, this was LONG before carseats and seatbelts were mandatory.
I slept through most of it, except for one particular stop at the gas station. The lights always woke me up. The night clerk, who always visited with my parents when they came in, noticed the bleary-eyed kid in the car one day, disappeared into the building, and returned with a stack of comic books.
Among the Spiderman and Superman and other classics was a selection of Archie Andrews comics. Apparently this is where nature/nurture comes in... I gravitated toward them, as opposed to the superhero stories. I loved Archie and Betty and Veronica and Reggie and Jughead. The Riverdale saga may have been my introduction to romance novels, comic book style.
This is also why my dog... the first dog I ever chose for myself, on purpose, is named Archie.
Our other participants:
Niki Nowell
Bill Davis
GirlyGeeky
Free2B2Much
Niki Turner
Notes From The Backseat
Zoe Nowell
Marilyn Quinsaat [posting on Facebook]
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